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wrote a letter to my ex. will probably not send it. therefore, tumblr. honesty is crap. I’ve had a rough couple days and I had to get it out of my system somehow.
this afternoon, climbing. tomorrow, finals. find some good friends, word vomit. I just need to talk about it, rehash it from every angle and let the guilt go.
life is difficult.
last year, at thanksgiving, I wrote my exboyfriend’s name on our thanksgiving tablecloth as someone I was thankful for. as someone I thought would be in my life forever.
at the same time, he was cheating on me back home.
before I got home this year, it was quietly and mysteriously altered to something quite a bit more universal. something that will probably be true for a good long time.
because I am quite, quite thankful for matt smith.
and i love you, @dancerbethany.
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“I wouldn’t say that. The way I see it, every life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things don’t always soften the bad things, but vice-versa, the bad things don’t necessarily spoil the good things and make them unimportant.”
I have slowly, unintentionally adopted this as my life philosophy. I usually don’t say it as elegantly as the doctor, but it’s there, all the way at my core, like the founding basis for my optimism. I can say that life thoroughly sucks. because it does. I can tell you that I suck as a person. but Life is supposed to be terrible. I’m stuck being sinful.
Life is still beautiful. the world is still amazing. every day it’s more amazing than the last.
(this wasn’t what I meant to write about. what I meant to try to deal with in writing was last night, where I could have started down a completely different path again, but didn’t. somehow. I could have just done a 180 and gone back to dating my exboyfriend. for a moment, it was an option. not a good one, but a tempting one.)
so anyway, Life. it sucks.
but in a really really beautiful way.
taylor swift | we are never ever getting back together
taylor, i want to hate you but your music is just so goddamn CATCHY i can’t be tamed
All the songs are on my side, lately.
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This week I cleaned out a fair bit of my closet. I love my clothes, and lately I’ve realized that even though I didn’t really need to ditch jewelry or my teddy bear or so many other things just because they were connected slightly to exboyfriend, I needed to ditch some dresses that just reminded me too strongly of him.
but now I can rebuild my closet a bit differently—-win-win, I guess.
starting with a good everyday pair of heels. these modcloth ones are in the running. what do you think?
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normal recoveries take time. a year and a half of my life didn’t just disappear because it passed by, it’s still there.
this dress is killing me, because he would have loved it. red, flirty open back, it would have been his favorite.
and I just want to get it as a screw-you present to myself, ha.
today was a BEAUTIFUL day.
did so many good things. worked less time than I was supposed to, and got paid for the past two weeks.
received my first lolita dress AND petticoat in the mail, tried it on and danced with excitement. it is the most gorgeous thing in the world, and so well constructed I’m just thoroughly excited to wear it. I need to coord it right though, hairbows and jewelry here I come.
and i finally spoke to my ex. and it was good. really good. I just feel God’s love empowering me to support and love and minister to him even through the hurt he caused.
and I’m watching the olympics. score.
life, you are beautiful.
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I’m feeling so cheated right now.
cheated out of a year and a half of my life. of all the friendships I could have had and solidified. of all the time I could have been practicing or sewing or thrifting. Of all my innocence and ignorant happiness. cheated out of trust in the opposite gender to never betray, to always support, to commit.
of all the time I could have had if I hadn’t been devoting it to him. of all the times I said yes to him and no to my other friends, to my violin, to my projects.
of all the love I gave him and he took, gleefully.
cheated of my confidence in myself, in feeling like I was enough for someone.
and now he still cheats me out of breathing, living without a hole in my heart that I just pray pray pray Jesus will fill.
life is pretty much categorized as a work in progress right now.
—> ditch his stuff as soon as you get home, but keep the stuff you want to keep (and ditch the terrible terrible jewelry). and smash the stuff you just have a need to smash.
—> move on, but don’t make a big deal about the ex’s faults. Let other people insult him for you. It will create negative mental patterns if you indulge in a bitter angry tirade about his issues and his cheating and everything. Just recognize that there are good parts and bad parts to any relationship. and shady middle parts that aren’t really good or bad.
———> if you can, don’t link things you did together to the hurt of the breakup. I think God pulled an awesome Holy-Spirit-empowering thing here, because mostly things don’t bug me. even if they’re associated with him. maybe a twinge for some things but mostly it’s meh. whatever.
it doesn’t even hurt thinking about him and the breakup, which is odd. I have expectations from being dumped, that is:
everything reminds you of them.
you’re clingy and want to stay in touch in the belief that you will eventually get back together.
you’re angry at them for dumping you, but feel like it’s all your fault and you need to fix the relationship.
you cry. a lot.
^this is all detailed analysis based on a) the sort-of two times I’ve been dumped before (once by my high school sweetheart, then once by my recent ex when he broke up with me for the first time. this was the second).
but NONE OF THESE THINGS ARE TRUE.
I don’t want to date him, I don’t hurt (much. chest-tightening doesn’t count), I haven’t spoken to him and haven’t been as cell-phone-clingey as I was when we were DATING, goodness. I just don’t care whether he contacts me or not.
and it’s not my fault. I was completely faulty in the relationship, but I did everything I could to make the relationship work and to fight for us. I’m an imperfect human being, but this breakup was one person’s decision and one alone.
oh and that crying thing? doctor who makes me cry (impossible astronaut episode gets me every time) but exbf? meh.
——>I got to talking. using tumblr as a means to purge some thoughts. getting things out just makes them more real, rather than having them bounce around in my head.
now, back to the regular lolita programming.
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